Chapter 5

I didn't know what to answer, I was taken by surprise. Instead of saying anything I just walked out of the room. I knew how to get up to the roof, and that's where I headed.
As I reached the roof, I settled down on one of the benches that were placed up there. I looked out over the city, thinking. I knew that I loved Ryan, but I didn't understand why he was asking me to marry him. I knew that he loved me too, but I was too perplexed by his choice of asking me.
"Trudy?" someone asked. I looked around and spotted Salene.
"Yes," I said as I turned back to look out over the city.
"I saw you rush past. And I was wondering if something's wrong," Salene said as she sat down next to me. I heaved a sigh.
"Nothing's wrong. I just needed time to be alone and think," I said smiling slightly as I glanced over at the redhead.

"Oh, do you want me to leave?" she asked and I just nodded. A few seconds later I was all alone again. I pulled my knees up against my chest and put my chin on my knees and my arms around them. I was thinking back to the months I'd been hiding my pregnancy, before we'd found this safe haven. Flashback

"Trudy?" Ryan said. I was sitting in a corner in the barn we were squatting in that night. It was about four months since we had left the school and boot camp. We were close to where Zandra's old friend Glenn was from. We had gone there with him, because he had told us he knew a safe place that would be full of things. I'd been avoiding him for two whole days now, and I guessed it was getting to him. "Yes," I answered as I pulled at my shirt, which was getting a bit tight around my stomach. Luckily Ryan didn't notice it, and even if he did, he didn't comment on it. None of us had managed to scavenge any clean clothes yet, since all the places we had found had already been looted, sadly enough. The barn we were in right now was an abandoned barn that had just a small outhouse connected to it. I had found that whoever had lived there, had lived up in the loft, because there was a sweet little apartment there, and it hadn't been looted of food yet, nor clothes. I had found a brown dress to wear with a green trim. It was a lot looser than the school uniform. Zandra found some really weird clothes that she got dressed in, and the boys found shirts that they could wear. I was sitting on the bed that was in the corner of the little apartment, eating a tin of beans, cold. "What are you doing?" Ryan asked and I just rolled my eyes as I took a mouthful of the beans. It was a wonder that I got to keep them down. I'd been having trouble with keeping food down the last few months, seeing as I actually was pregnant, which little miss Z had pointed out to me. "Eating, of course—I know. But what I meant was, why have you been avoiding me?" Ryan continued.. I stayed quiet for a while, while I was pondering on my answer. "I haven't been avoiding you Ryan, it's just something Lex said," I said covering up nicely. And it was true, Lex had told me something that'd made me think. A lot. "What did he say this time?" Ryan asked as he looked me dead in the eye. I was glad that I'd learnt to lie well as a child. It helped me at times like these. "Well you know Lex, the usual," I said, not really knowing what else to say to Ryan. "You mean he called me fat and dumb for the gazillionth time?" Ryan asked as he came closer to me. I just nodded. "I need to pee," I said, and moved around Ryan in just a few seconds and avoided his touch. He was still the same shy boy he'd been before we had found out about the virus. Which meant that he seldom hit on me. Sure he kissed me from time to time, but mostly only a peck on the cheek, or on the forehead, because he was embarrassed for some reason or the other. When I was on my way out of the toilet I heard Lex and Glenn having a shouting match. Lex and Glenn fighting, as usual. I was so used to them fighting by now that I seldom noticed it. Zandra always pleaded for them to stop or asked Ryan to make them stop. Me, I just ignored them until they stopped. Most often they stopped when Lex had smacked Glenn, leaving Zandra mad at everyone but me. Which I found amusing, but only because the boys never learned.

"Trude?" I heard someone call, and I was brought out of my memories. I had left Taryn with Ryan, and Zandra had come up to check on me.
"Yeah," I said, indicating that she was welcome to stay if she wanted to.
"Taryn was crying," Zandra said and handed her to me. Apparently Ryan hadn't been able to quiet her down, or Zandra had taken her from him, I guessed that it was the latter.
"Or you wanted an excuse to come up here?" I said reaching out for my daughter.
"You know me too well," Zandra answered as she sat down next to me on the bench.
"Yes, so spit it out. What do you want?" I asked, looking at Taryn.
"I just want to know why you just rushed out of the mall. And why you came up to the roof of all places instead of heading outside," Zandra said. I glanced up at her, and she was staring at me intently. It bothered me slightly.
"Ryan asked me to marry him," was all I said. I didn't feel like telling Zandra why I'd chosen the roof.
"Aww, what did you say?" Zandra asked me happily, and I just stared at her, completely forgetting about Taryn. "What?!" Zandra asked in surprise. I just rolled my eyes.
"What do you think? I took off before he could ask me again. I need time to think," I said staring at Zandra who was starting to feel uneasy: I could see it in her face. She got up and hurried away, and at this point Taryn started crying. She was hungry, so I fed her. When I'd burped her I went back to thinking of the past, and started telling Taryn about it.
"You know Taryn, me and your father met only a few days before you were conceived. It was at a dance and it was so much fun. The only thing was, I had to keep you a secret at first. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, until your aunt Zandra found out by mistake," I said smiling to myself. It was starting to get cold up on the roof, so I headed back inside. But I stayed on the stairway, still wanting to be alone. I was still trying to decide if I wanted to marry Ryan or not. I loved him, and I knew he loved me, but in this crazy world I wasn't too sure if it was such a good idea. I also knew that Zandra would be ecstatic if I did marry Ryan. But I was doubting Ryan's reasons for wanting to marry me. Was it so we would be a family? Or was it because he loved me? I didn't know, and it bothered me. The feeling of not knowing brought me back to before the virus, when I'd been shipped off, not knowing if my parents were dead or alive. It had been horrible, at least I'd had comfort in the fact that everyone around me felt the same way. I wasn't alone then, not like now. Sure, I was surrounded by people, but not a single one of them could understand how I felt. Not even Taryn, who had fallen asleep in my arms. I just watched her for a while. I was determined not to go back to the mall if I didn't absolutely have to. It didn't take long before I was back in the land of memories.

Lex and Glenn fighting, as usual. We were sitting in an old van, it was warmer in the van than it was outside, seeing as all five of us were huddled up together, even though the boys weren't too fond of it. Especially Lex and Glenn, who just kept on bickering and fighting. It was driving me mental, and on top of everything, I was trying to hide my pregnancy. It was getting harder as the months passed by. But I still managed, I knew that Lex didn't pay any attention to me since the time I'd almost neutered him. It was almost five months ago now. It was before I'd realized I was even pregnant. We had been sitting in an old abandoned store that hadn't been looted. Lex had been eyeing me all night and made passes at me. "So, you sure you don't want to hook up?" he asked me when Ryan had gone out to take a leak, and Zandra had gone off to find more make-up. "Ask me one more time and you will see how much I do NOT want to hook up with you," I said frustrated and put a lot of emphasis on the word 'not'. It didn't take long for Lex to make another pass at me. "I warned you," I said and took a hold of his nut sack and held it tightly. It made Lex squeal like a pig. "Will you leave me alone?" I asked him seriously, and he just nodded and whined. I let go of him and got up from the floor and went to find Zandra. It didn't take me long. Zandra was standing where all the perfume, make-up and other beauty products were. She was stuffing most of the things she wanted into her bag. The only thing Zandra didn't put in her bag was hair dye. Or that was what I thought. "Help me dye my hair, Trude." Zandra said, and I of course said yes, but I'd given her one condition: if she fixed mine, I'd fix hers. "How do we look?" I asked the boys as me and Zandra paraded over to the section of candy, where the boys were fighting over the last bar of some weird brand of candy. They stopped when they saw us. My hair was purple, and short, and Zandra had done my make-up too, so I looked like her, with blue swirls and pink eye shadow. Zandra's hair, however, was half brown, and the other half was split in two, one half in blue and one half in pink. The boys just stared at us. I burst out into laughter because of Ryan's expression, and Zandra started laughing because I was laughing, and probably because all three boys were wearing matching expressions: looks of surprise, gawking with their mouths fully open. "You can close your mouths now," Zandra said when she had managed to stop laughing, which just made me laugh even more. I hadn't slept properly, none of us had for the last few days, since we had been sleeping outside. It was before we'd met up with Glenn. Ryan kept finding razors to shave his head with; he kept trimming his hair down to keep it short; it seemed to be the way he liked it. Lex on the other hand had let his hair grow out, and it was reaching down to his eyebrows, so it was still quite short, at that point. I thought it looked ridiculous but I didn't say anything, because I knew it'd hurt his feelings.

"Trudy?" someone asked and I was brought back to the present.
"Yes," I said and looked down the stairs. It was Ryan. I didn't know what to tell him, so I just stayed quiet.

Chapter 4

"How much should we give her?" Amber asked Dal.
"Two tablets should be enough I reckon," Dal said as he looked at the bottle. I didn't really know what to say.
"Sounds about right, it's a safe amount and it's enough to have effect," Amber said as she stretched. She made us all leave, except Ryan, who was taking care of the baby. I knew why, even if Ryan didn't know why at the time. I didn't want to leave, but I had no choice. I felt for Trudy, being sick and all. It was growing dark and I had moved myself to the lingerie store since Patsy and Paul had been sick: they'd stuffed themselves with candy they said they'd found in the back of the sweet shop. Greedy little kids.

"Knock, knock," a male voice said, which made me turn around. It was the new guy, Bray.
"Hey!" I said as I buttoned up my cardigan. When I'd helped with Trudy I'd become soaked and had to change clothes.
"So what have you been up to today?" Bray asked me, and I just rolled my eyes as I sat down on my bed.
"What do you want?" I asked as I glared at him.
"Just curious," Bray said smirking slightly, which gave my whole body the creeps.
"Will you leave!" I asked him; and he shrugged his shoulders, turned around and left.
The Next Morning.
I was awoken by the baby's cry. I looked at myself in the mirror: I arranged my hair so it sat tight to my skull, and made two curls, one on each side that were held up by clips. And the rest was gathered up into two messy ponytails. When I'd made my make-up better I went to the café. There on the table, a can of formula was standing. I lifted my eyebrow, and then I spotted Bray.
"I was out looking for supplies for the baby, and found some things: Nappies, formula and a bottle," Bray said as he picked up the other items from his bag.
"Why? We have a baby store over there," I said and pointed to the store as I grabbed the bottle. I opened the can of formula and put it into the bottle and then poured water into it. I shook it well and then heated it up by putting it in a pot of water. I checked it every now and then to see if it was warm enough. While I was doing this Ryan had entered the café with the crying baby.
"Look what Bray got for the baby, Ryan, even though we have a baby store," I said as I walked over to him and handed him the bottle. I'd made sure it wasn't too hot.
"What's that?" he asked and I rolled my eyes and explained.
"It's formula, for the baby." Ryan nodded and took the bottle and gave it to the baby girl who drank it greedily. She was obviously hungry. Amber came and joined us.
"Where did all the stuff come from?" she asked as she looked at the baby things on the table.
"Bray went outside and got it for us," I said smiling as I picked it up and helped Ryan carry it in to his and Trudy's room.
"Trudy seems better," I said as I looked at her. She was opening her eyes.
"Welcome back," Ryan said as he put the baby down into its cot.
"Where did I go?" Trudy asked meekly as she looked around the room. It was just me and Ryan in there.
"You were ill. Very ill. We thought we'd lost you. But Dal saved your life," Ryan said as he sat down on the bed and pulled Trudy up to half sitting.
"What?"
"You got a fever new moms get sometimes. But it's okay. Dal got you antibiotics, so you should be well soon," I said as Ryan took the empty bottle from the baby.
"Don't forget to burp her!" I said as I smiled to Trudy who smiled weakly back at me. At my remark Ryan picked the baby up again.
"How?" he asked. I just stretched my arms out and he handed her to me. I got her to burp in no time.
"Like that!" I said as I handed the baby back to Ryan.
"Trudy, do you know what you want to call your little girl?" I asked and looked over at the baby and then to Trudy.
"Yes, Taryn," Trudy said smiling.
"That's a beautiful name," I said as I realized that it was wordplay on Trudy and Ryan, but not with the letters in the right order. T and R from Trudy and A, Y and N from Ryan.
Trudy's point of view
I felt weak. I was apparently sick. Some kind of fever. All I remembered was giving birth to my wonderful, sweet little Taryn. It looked like Ryan had been looking after her. Zandra just left the room.
"Knock, knock," I heard Amber say and I just smiled. Ryan was sitting next to me in the bed, holding Taryn.
"Come on in," he called.
"I see you are better now," Amber said smiling as she entered the room.
"Yes. I heard Dal went to sector 15. That's suicide," I said as I leaned on Ryan's shoulder. I was still tired.
"Yes, but he got the antibiotics that saved your life," Amber said as she stood close to the doorway.
"I am forever grateful for it, and I will never forget it," I said and smiled weakly and yawned.
"I'll leave you to it," Amber said and left the room. I moved myself down into the bed and turned on my side so I could watch Ryan holding Taryn. It wasn't before long I was back asleep.
A few days later in the morning
I felt a lot better. I was even excited to hold Taryn. I had seen to her that morning when her cry had waked me up. I guessed that Ryan had seen to her during the night.
"It's okay. Mummy's here Taryn," I said as I held her in my arms. I fed her too, while I was at it. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling. I was glad that the antibiotics had saved me, and that I was off them at last. I'd told the tribe that I'd named Taryn, Taryn. I'd also told them that I didn't know who Taryn's father was, even though it was a lie. I felt that it was still none of their business who her father was. All they needed to know was that she was my daughter. I had noticed that it would be hard for them not to notice soon that Taryn's father was Ryan, because she looked a lot like him already, and she was only a week old.
"Good morning," Ryan said as he was rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. I just smiled as I was trying to get Taryn to burp. When Taryn had burped I put her in a stroller that Dal had made for me. It was so sweet of him.
"Ryan?" I asked as I looked at him.
"Yeah?" he answered as he yawned and stood up and stretched himself out.
"You asked what I meant with it's yours. Well here's the thing…" I trailed of as the kids and Salene walked past the door. I didn't want anyone to hear.
"What?" Ryan asked as he faced me. I turned around and fussed with Taryn, listening for a short while to make sure no one was close by.
"You're her dad," I whispered in Ryan's ear as he came close to me.
"You said—what—how?!" Ryan asked surprised and I just smiled as I picked Taryn up.
"You heard me. And think about it. Think about the timing," was all I said as I carried Taryn in my arms to keep her satisfied. I went to the café where the others were. And I hoped that Ryan wouldn't start talk about the fact that he was Taryn's father. As I sat down in the café, Ryan left our room and headed my way. I thought it looked like he had something to say, and he probably had.
"Trudy, can I talk to you?" Ryan asked and I just looked at him. I didn't want to talk about Taryn at this moment. So I didn't answer, and before Ryan had time to ask again, Lex was bugging me.
"So, you interested?" Lex asked me, and I glared at him.
"Lex, I won't hesitate to neuter you if I have to. So take a hike," I said, which earned me laughter from everyone in the café. Lex, however, was furious and stomped off. I didn't care. He wasn't going to keep hitting on me, because I was in love with Ryan.
"Trudy?" Ryan asked to get my attention. I nodded and faced him, trying to keep Taryn from crying by letting her suck on my finger, because I couldn't find her dummy. When Ryan stayed quiet I went back to speaking to Taryn.
"Where's Bray?" one of the girls asked. I just shrugged my shoulders. I had no idea and I didn't care.
"Kids, have you seen Bray?" Amber asked them, and they just answered with ano.
"Where could he have gone off to?" Amber asked no one in particular. I had grabbed a bowl and was eating cereals: dry. It wasn't exactly the tastiest thing to eat, but it was what it was.
"There you are!" Zandra said as she came walking over to me.
"Here I am!" I answered as I ate more of the dry cereal and at the same time tried to keep Taryn happy. It wasn't working, because she was starting to fuss.
"Have you talked?" Zandra asked, and I knew instantly what she meant so I nodded smiling.
"So what do you want, Zan?" I asked as I was trying to keep Taryn from crying, but it wasn't working. Ryan had gone off and was now back, with a stroller. I put her in it and rolled the stroller back and forth with my foot while I ate. It helped fairly well to have a stroller to put Taryn in.
"Ryan?" I asked as I looked up: he was sitting next to me, stuffing his face with cereals.
"Yeah?" he said with food in his mouth.
"Manners! Ryan," I heard Zandra say before I managed to ask him where he'd gotten the stroller.
"Where did you get the stroller?" I asked when Zandra had turned her attention to something else.
"Over there," Ryan said, and pointed to the baby store that I hadn't noticed until it'd been pointed out to me.
"Oh, I didn't know that there was a baby store here," I said as I looked over at the store. When I'd finished eating my breakfast I headed over to the baby store with Taryn in the stroller. The store was located between the end of the café and the art store. It wasn't big, but it had a lot of baby clothes at least. This made me happy. It meant that Taryn wouldn't need to be naked, which she had been most of the time, except for the nappy.
"Let's see if we can find you something to wear," I said to Taryn as I picked her up from the stroller, but I put her back down in it again, since it would be easier for me to pick out clothes for her. I found a few onesies in some fun patterns. I took them all and put them in the stroller, but first I dressed Taryn in one. It was pink with hearts on it. I thought it was the cutest. When I'd dressed her I put her back in the stroller. I'd also found dummies and given her one. I'd also found some other useful things.
I was stalking around the mall, bored, not knowing what to do, except for feeding Taryn and checking and changing her diaper when needed.
"Trudy?" Amber called to me as I passed the sweet shop; it looked like she was moving in there. I stopped and looked in and said, "Yes?"
"I was wondering, how is Taryn?"
"She's fine Amber. What do you really want?" I asked scrutinizing her.
"I know you said you didn't know who Taryn's father is. But I am still wondering, could it be Ryan?" Amber asked, and I did all I could to keep a straight face so I wouldn't blow my own lie.
"Not that it's any of your business, but no," I said as I left Amber and stalked around the mall some more. I hoped that Ryan hadn't overheard us, but since I hadn't seen him, I guessed he hadn't. When I thought about it, I hadn't seen him since breakfast and it was now dinner time. I'd passed a few hours with reading after lunch when Taryn was asleep.
"Trudy?" someone asked and I looked up from the book and it was Lex.
"What do you want?" I asked a bit annoyed.
"Have you seen Ryan?" he asked me, and I just shrugged my shoulders. I still hadn't seen Ryan.
"Then where is he?" Lex asked, and I just stared at him, and at that second Taryn decided to wake up.
"I don't know, and you woke up Taryn, so leave," I said as I picked Taryn up from the stroller that I was using as a cot instead of the basket. Lex must have left, because when I looked up he wasn't there. I went over to the door opening and pulled the curtain door closed and made sure that the curtain in the window was closed too. I was going to feed Taryn, and I wanted privacy.
"Trudy?" someone asked, it sounded like Salene.
"What is it? I'm busy," I answered as I looked down at Taryn and switched side.
"I was wondering if you wanted to help with making the dinner," Salene said and I couldn't decide. I was a bit distracted. When I'd finished feeding Taryn I was trying to get her to burp. It didn't take too long, thankfully.
"Sure I can help, just let me change Taryn's nappy," I said as I put her on the bed and took out the clean nappies and changed her. I'd gotten good at changing her nappy now, so it didn't take me long at all.
"There you go sweetie," I said to Taryn and put her in the stroller which I took with me to the café so that I could help with making dinner while keeping an eye on my daughter.
"So, what we making?" I asked as I entered the café.
"I was going to make a pie and gravy," Salene said, and I sensed she had more to say. "—but I don't have enough water to make the gravy," Salene added, and I just smiled.
"We can use my ration," I said and I helped with making the gravy. It all smelled wonderful. Everyone sat down at the tables in the café, and Ryan showed up again.
"Where have you been?" I asked and cocked an eyebrow.
"Nowhere in particular," Ryan answered, which bugged me slightly, but I didn't push it. I was too busy trying to keep Taryn from crying. She was hungry. Since I didn't want to feed her around the others, I went and got the bottle and some formula that Bray had found and made it and warmed it up for Taryn and fed it to her. It kept her quiet and let me eat my dinner.
After dinner I headed to my room with Taryn in the stroller. After I'd burped her, she'd fallen asleep.
"Trudy?" I heard someone ask. I looked up and it was Amber.
"Come in," I said as I picked up one of the books I'd been reading earlier.
"How is Taryn?" Amber asked and I looked at my sleeping daughter.
"She's just fine. Growing fast," I answered as I opened the book and started reading it.
"Did you know Ryan has been spending all of the day outside?" Amber asked me, and I looked at her and just shrugged my shoulders and went back to my book. "I'll leave you to your book," Amber said and left.
"Hey!" Ryan said as he entered the room. He closed the curtain after him to give us privacy. I just smiled as I put down the book. Ryan sat down on the bed and leaned in and kissed me.
"Trudy?"
"Yes, Ryan?" I said smiling with a smile that went from one ear to the other.
"I love you, and Taryn. I want us to be a family," Ryan said, and I was still smiling.
"We are a family already," I told him with a bright smile.
"I know, but I want to make it official."
"How?" I said and cocked an eyebrow.
"Well, if you'd stop interrupting me—" Ryan started to say, when I interrupted with "Sorry"."—It's okay. But please stay quiet for a second," Ryan said with some frustration in his voice. I nodded. "I love you, and I want to spend my life with you—the rest of my life—with you, and our daughter. What I am trying to say is, will you marry me?"